Philip Holder PhD.
Copyright Philip Holder PhD. 2016


sex pizzazz 20160709aVirtually every healthy person past the age puberty can have a great sex life… How’s your sex life? Is it passionate, exciting, and filled with pleasure and satisfaction? If not you can change that. You can overcome sexual frustration and performance anxiety, and/or simply take your love life from where it is now to a new and exciting level.

Our natural, instinctive sex drive is nature’s way of perpetuating our species. Think about it… without that drive humans would cease to exist. Unfortunately society, (through what is called “waking hypnotic suggestion”), often portrays sex as something bad, sinful or distasteful, especially when speaking to children about sex. Simplistically, waking hypnotic suggestion most often results from repeated direct or subtle and/or indirect statements designed to manipulate or to embed an idea in a person’s mind. This phenomenon is especially true when considering how parents often indoctrinate their children with negative sexual attitudes. The indoctrination is significant to a person’s future sexual enjoyment because, our mind is truly our most powerful sexual organ!


Prior to the industrial revolution, and throughout history until more modern times, people often married and had children as teenagers. There is a simple reason for this. Like all animals, at puberty we instinctively acquire the desire to procreate. This is normal and natural. It is the complexity of our modern culture that has pushed back the time for marriage and for creating new human life. Today, Middle School, High School, and College (or trade/professional school) come first in order to meet the economic and employment demands of the day. The fact is, however, that this in no way lessens the instinctual desire to have sex when puberty is reached. The internal conflict arises when the body says “it is time to be sexually active,” and society says, “Nice girls don’t do that” or “boys who do that are pigs.” Although far from true, that is the message that is too often conveyed to adolescents in an attempt by parents to stave off the child’s sexual activity. Although often well intended, these messages often detract significantly from sexual pleasure throughout the remainder of that person’s life. The good news… These negative perceptions need not follow you through life. They can be reprogrammed to allow for a great sex life.


Our attitudes and perceptions about sex will in great part determine the level of sexual pleasure that we experience throughout life. Moving from an unfulfilling sex life to a great sex life, or simply improving an already good sex life, requires only a simple shift in attitude and perception.
The conscious mind is the analytical, rational part of who we are. It is responsible for things like solving a math problem, putting together a puzzle, and assigning reasons to things in our life. It is the subconscious mind that contains our emotions, attitudes, and perceptions. It is where our sexual attitudes are held. It is only through a reframing of perceptions at a subconscious level that true changes in attitude can take place. Those simple changes in attitude and perception can make an incredible difference in our enjoyment when making love. This is why hypnotherapy is an incredibly powerful tool in helping people to a more satisfying sex life. It can rapidly change negative perceptions to more positive ones. Hypnotherapy is the best-known method to communicate directly with the subconscious mind.


In actuality, when people come to our office for help with sexual issues we usually first de-hypnotize them from the negative attitudes and perceptions they have taken on about sex (at a subconscious level), that are preventing them from achieving maximum enjoyment. We deprogram the waking hypnotic suggestions that the person has accidentally accepted as their reality. We then replace those negative and destructive perceptions with more positive perceptions of that person’s sexuality. A simple shift in perception can open a person to a wonderful new world of pleasure and contentment.


Interestingly, the therapeutic techniques for a better sexual experience are similar in many respects to the techniques used in other areas of performance enhancement like, sports performance, job performance, academic performance, etc. The main factor in experiencing greater enjoyment and better performance is simply, “being in the moment.” We are always at our best when we allow ourselves to be immersed in a great experience, free from distraction.

Making love is not a job that requires a serious attitude. Often, however, people make it just that. If you want to have great sex… Lighten Up! Making love should be “playtime” not a job. Want to have better sex? Beware of and avoid the following thought patterns. These are some of the thoughts that will take you out of the moment and decrease your sexual pleasure:

I hope he or she likes what I just did
I hope that I don’t reach orgasm too early/too late
I hope that he or she will respect me in the morning
I wonder if he or she thinks I’m a good lover
I’m embarrassed about my body (too heavy, too thin etc.)
I wonder if people in the next room, apartment, etc. can hear us.

Any such thoughts are distractions and will take you out of the moment and reduce your level of pleasure. The past, even a microsecond in the past is unimportant. As well, the future, even a microsecond ahead, has not yet arrived and therefore is unimportant. The reason children have so much fun at play is because they are totally immersed in the moment. They are simply enjoying what they are experiencing. This is also the key to great sex. A tip for great sex… Just enjoy!!!!! Don’t you find that you are best at the things that you simply enjoy doing? Whether its boating, sports, chess, or any other recreation or activity people usually are best at the things they love doing.

Performance anxiety is also one of the biggest detractors to sexual pleasure. That is another good reason to stay in the moment and simply enjoy the experience. As well, far too much emphasis is often placed on pleasing a partner. If you really want to please your partner “you” must first be enjoying the process. If your focus is solely on pleasing your partner, your experience will be diminished resulting in a lower level of performance on your part and therefore reduced enjoyment for both you and your partner. This is of no benefit to either of you. You’ll have a better sex life simply by forgetting about the distractions mentioned above and having a great time. When you love making love you will enjoy sex more and you will become a better lover in the process.


Having great sex is all in your state of mind. If you allow distractions into the bedroom (or whatever interesting place you choose) you will reduce both your enjoyment and that of your partner. Be like a child at play. Have fun. Be spontaneous. Take great pleasure in your own body and that of your partner. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the body that you have been blessed with. There is also nothing wrong with sharing the pleasures of the body with another person who has agreed to share their body with you. This communication between two loving people is the most basic of all communications and can be the most meaningful of all communications between one person and another once free from early negative programing.

Let go of thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow. Forget about what just occurred a moment ago or what might occur in the next second. Simply enjoy the moment. Nothing is more important during the time that you are making love. Please your partner but don’t forget to please yourself. Communicate to your partner the things that you like. Ask your partner what gives he or she pleasure. Be curious and adventurous. Explore like a child who has discovered something new, interesting and wonderful. By following these simple steps, day after day, month after month, and year after year, you can continuously increase your sexual pleasure and personal happiness.

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